Atelophobia
by twilightfan0720
Summary: Alice is forever trying to reinvent herself, because she can't be Maria. So who will she be? (Alice centric story)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Atelophobia**

The first time I made myself throw up I was thirteen. I've always been naturally small, and yet I found myself pinching at excess fat on my stomach.

I suppose it might have been because at thirteen I was small in all the wrong places. I was completely undeveloped, and the small left over "baby fat" absolutely horrified me.

Maria, my sister, didn't help at all. She teased me in a way I suppose she thought was in good nature; regardless, whether or not she intended it, there was always a hint of malice in her voice.

"Oh, Mary. Are you ever going to grow?"

She would ask patting my head and then pinching my stomach. Maybe that's when my obsession with my weight began.

My parents never payed much attention to me; a side effect of being the middle child. I suppose there was no time for me while they had two other perfect children to take care of.

There was seven year old Cynthia, the sweet, perfect angel that absolutely everyone adored. With wide, blue eyes and long curly hair that fell down to her small waist.

My seventeen year old sister, Maria, was the oldest. With a slender waist, full hips, and rather large... Umm assets she drove the boys crazy. Her catlike, green eyes always looked rather mischievous, and her skin was perfectly tan. Not to mention her wonderful grades.

Basically, Maria was perfection personified. Everyone thought so, especially Jasper Whitlock.

I can't really tell you when I began to fall for Jasper. What I can tell you is that our "love" was completely one sided, in the beginning at least. I was a small fifteen year old girl crushing on a seventeen year old boy. Hopeless doesn't even begin to describe it.

But I've gotten off track this is my story, not his. From a small age I had both an obsession with wanting to be Maria, and wanting to be the complete opposite. Another side effect of being the middle child.

I suppose that might be another reason for the self hatred I developed in my teen years. You see, I did want to be Maria. I wanted what she had perfect looks and grades. I wanted to be perfect.

But there came a time when I realized I should stop trying to be Maria, because I was wasting my own personality.

Besides the fact I was tired of being Maria's little sister; I was tired of being Maria's anything.

So I went through a sort of "identity crisis" because while I knew I couldn't be Maria I still wasn't sure just who I was. So I dyed my hair and wore colored contacts.

One thing I was never envious of was Maria's hair. It was quite boring; in fact, we had been born with the same shade, a dark brown that was almost black.

I can recall that during the lowest points in my teenage years I would revert back to my natural hair color in an attempt to more like Maria.

My hair was always changing color I went through inky black, blue, green, red, purple, pink, orange, blonde, and even white. But that is besides the point.

We start this story, my story, at a rather low point in my life; as a result, my hair is my natural color the almost, but not quite, black brown and instead of my contacts I wear black "hipster" glasses. Basically, I was very plain and not much to look at.

Bella and Ren, my two best and only friends, would always smile sadly when these times began. This was the same time Jasper Whitlock came into the picture.

_"Mom, I'm home." I call running into the house, literally running. My mother looks at me displeased as I slide into the kitchen._

_"Mary, I've told you a million times no running in the house."_

_Usually, I wouldn't be accepting of her calling me Mary it's too close to Maria; however, today is one of those days._

_"Maria is brining home her boyfriend for dinner."_

_I snort and my mother eyes my displeased but says nothing. Maria's boyfriends are complete jokes. Maria likes having control too much to stay with any of them too long. I mean eventually, no matter how perfect Maria is, they do get the urge to... Oh that's right, be an individual and make their own decisions._

_"I'll play nice." I say smiling and holding up my fingers in a peace sign. My mother nods, dismissing me._

_I run into Maria, literally. I smack into her. I look up only slightly apologetic and she glares down._

_"Watch it Mary. It is Mary isn't it? Or are you trying to be an "individual" again?" She says and then walks away without awaiting an answer._

_Whenever I have my hair dyed I demand to be called "Alice" which is my middle name; however, whenever it's one of those times I allow everyone to call me Mary. It's a rather odd arrangement I suppose, but it works._

_I know dinner will be served soon. Which means Maria's new toy will be arriving soon. I'm dressed completely in black, add my boring brown hair to that and I could easily blend into the walls. I could sit back and observe the fun. I giggle slightly as I hear the doorbell ring._

_"Door!" I hear Maria yell. She refuses to answer the door to any of her playthings not wanting to seem too eager. Even Cynthia proclaims this to be "silly"._

_I run down the hall and swing the door open. "Hello" the boy at the door says with a slight southern drawl. I nod and swoop my arm indicating for him to go in. My words are failing me. If he thinks my silence is odd he doesn't comment._

_"Hello, Jasper."_

_Maria appears out of no where. Her dark wash jeans look practically painted on, and she's wearing a form fitting green shirt. Jasper smiles and walks forward, "Maria" he says simply pulling her into an embrace. I turn away rolling my eyes._

_We have dinner. Well, everyone else does I push my food around my plate so it looks like I ate something. The few things I do eat will be coming back up anyways._

_Jasper looks at me oddly as I push my food around. I cock my eyebrow up in response and he turns away. Dinner is pretty uneventful and soon Jasper is out the door_.

Jasper wasn't a complication, not at first anyways. I mean, yeah, he was attractive but he was also Maria's, as in off limits.

Besides that I figured he was probably hopelessly boring with zero personality; after all, he dated Maria for more than three months. Which to me obviously meant he had no interest in being an individual or making his own decisions. He was just Maria's type, and by default not mine.

**AN: okay, so I'm trying to give Alice her own "voice" which is why things kind of jump around because it's supposed to seem like it's the way Alice would think. So yeah hope you guys like it. Please review and tell me what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Eisoptrophobia**  
_Fear of mirrors_

People lie, they do it all the time. It's a horrible habit that humans are incapable of breaking no matter how much they try. Of course, there are varying degrees of lies. Many people won't tell a big lie, but they're conscience can handle a small lie. The most common type of lie is a little white lie.

_"Yes, I like the gift you got me."_

_"Of course, your cooking is wonderful."_

_"I love that new haircut on you."_

These lies aren't intended to hurt anyone. Quite the opposite in fact, they're meant to spare your feelings. Or in some cases you lie in order to be left alone, to not have people worry. I understand that. Really, I mean, if there's anyone who knows how useful little white lies it's me. I can't deny they're useful.

_"Yes, I ate dinner."_

_"Oh I'm just sick, it's nothing."_

_"I'm just tired."_

_"I'm fine, really."_

Sometimes I hate those little white lies though. Yes, they can be useful. But I hate always having to wonder how much of something is the truth.

That's the reason I both love and hate mirrors. Mirrors never lie to you, and while this is the very reason I hate looking into them, I love them for this.

I avoid looking into mirrors as often as possible, because I don't like what I see. Mirrors don't tell you the little white lies people do.

_"Your hair looks fine today."_

_"You're so very pretty."_

_"Look at how thin you are."_

No, mirrors show you every flaw and imperfection; ruthlessly, unabashedly honest. Mirrors have no emotional attachment they show you everything without a care.

Obviously, they're inanimate objects; therefore, they're incapable of caring. You can stand in front of a mirror for hours and it will continue to show you the truth.

Mirrors are not like humans. They will not change what they show depending on your feeling towards it. Not like humans whose opinions flip faster than you can blink.

_"No, I don't like that shirt."  
"Well, now that you mention it the color is very nice."_

_"Your hair looks odd in that style."  
"Well, now that I look closer it looks rather whimsical. It's very nice."_

No matter how much you hate what you see it will show it to you. For this, I both hate and love them. In a way, I suppose, I fear them. I fear this ultimate truth. A mirror is the final word on appearance.

**AN: so this is just kind of a filler chapter to show you more of what goes on in Alice's head. Pretty please review guys :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Ermitophobia**  
_Fear of loneliness_

At 15 I had two, real, friends Ren and Bella. They both attended Forks High school with me, and were in the same year as me. So, really, it made sense for me to hang around with them. It was more than that though, they just got me.

Ren, who's real name was Renesmee, was just about as screwed up as I was. Which was slightly wonderful, you know. I wasn't the only one with issues.

Her mother was rarely ever around; she was a bit of a hippy in her younger days, which resulted in Ren's rather "unique" name, but had reinvented herself into a workaholic. As a result Ren spent a lot of her time bouncing between both my house and Bella's.

Bella was the result of a failed marriage between Renee, just about the most flighty woman ever, and Charlie Swan the chief of police. So I never felt particularly different in my small group of friends.

We were all slightly screwed up, and even if I was perhaps a bit more messed up than the both of them they always accepted me. Even if they didn't know just how fucked up I was. They didn't know about the purging, not for a very long time at least.

I suppose compared to the two of them my home life would be considered pretty great. I mean, my parents weren't divorced; not that they were madly in love, but still. We were an upper class family with three "darling" children. Rather perfect looking to an outsider, I suppose.

Ren and Bella, are my best and only friends. I hate being alone, and as a result I spend a lot of time with them.

It's not exactly loneliness that bothers me. It's what loneliness brings. The small insecurities begin rising up, and the tiny voices in my head that remind me of these things become louder.

I can usually manage to keep my calm around other people. When I'm by myself though there's nothing to stop me from breaking down.

There's also no reason to eat, no reason to pretend, when no one else is around. It's also so much easier to give into the temptation to purge. So, that's a lot of the reason for all the time I spent with them. If they were around I had to eat, and I couldn't purge with them around.

They didn't know about my problem. In fact, Jasper was the first person to ever discover my dirty little secret.

_Jasper came over for dinner again. He's always perfectly polite and everything my parents expect him to be, he's perfect. Him and Maria are quite the power couple around Forks High._

_I almost want to roll my eyes at the notion, but I resist. My parents wouldn't be very happy with me showing such "rude" attitude while Jasper is around._

_My parents are eyeing me as I eat. Well, as I push the food around my plate to give the illusion that I'm eating._

_I take a couple of bites to satisfy their prying eyes. Immediately I feel the weight of the food. It's an odd, heavy sensation at the pit of my stomach. I'm forced to eat the vast majority of the meal to appease them._

_"May I be excused? I need to use the restroom."_

_I try to use the tone Maria always uses. That perfectly polite and even tone that she's mastered._

_"Yes, Mary."_

_"Alice."_

_"Of course."_

_"I'm not coming back down stairs. I have tons of homework to do."_

_My parents nod, dismissing me. I head quickly up to the bathroom. I'm very practical about it. I don't like to make a fuss or anything._

_Obviously, I'm not trying to attract attention. So it's usually fairly quick and somewhat quiet, quiet enough at least._

_When I step out of the bathroom Jasper is standing there and he's giving me the look. I know immediately that he knows. My first instinct is to give an excuse._

_"I'm not feeling well." I say and clutch my stomach to emphasize the point._

_"You're lying."_

_"No, I'm not. I think I'm coming down with something."_

_"Sure, and these were from my cat." He says as he pulls up his sleeves revealing faded scars. He walks away quickly shoving his sleeve back down._

**AN: please review guys. Even if you hate it you should review and tell me so.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: katagelophobia**  
_Fear of ridicule_

Being scared of what people think of you is pretty stupid. I mean, what does it matter. They're usually wrong anyways.

People think I'm adorably quirky and happy. Happy, is something I haven't been in a long time. Sure there are small bursts of it here and there, but nothing of consequence.

The problem with the bursts of happiness is that as soon as you realize it's happening, it's gone. Like, you could be having a great time; until, you realize you're having a great time.

Then, the coldness settles in and you can't exactly get back to the place you were before. So, even though your smiles are a little bit wider and your laughs just a bit louder it's not the same. These laughs and smiles are deliberate and fake. These as to keep others happy not to express your own happiness.

So I don't usually worry about what people think about me; after all, the things I think about me are much worse. But apparently Jasper did.

_"Why are you with her?" I asked Jasper. I had cornered him at school after last period. He had been diligently avoiding me ever since the "cat incident" as I liked to call it. It's been three months. He and Maria have been dating for half a year now._

_"What do you mean, Alice?" He asked. His silky tone is a bit too even, fake. So I know he's lying._

_"You know what I mean!" I said tugging at my stick straight, freshly dyed blue hair. My now golden eyes narrowed as I attempted to stare him down._

_"No, I don't."_

_"Why are you with Maria?"_

_"Because she makes me happy."_

_"Oh. But..."_

_"But what, Alice? Am I not allowed to be happy. Is my happiness somehow interfering with your life, or maybe it's Maria's happiness? Just because your miserable doesn't mean everyone else has to be!"_

_His blue eyes are on fire. They are usually the color of a clear sky on a beautiful summers day. But now they look like the sea during a raging storm._

_The worst part is he looks so alive. He's letting go, the false barrier of perfection is down. He looks all the more stunning for it._

_"It's just you're all wrong for her."_

_His eyes widen and a flash of hurt swipes through his eyes briefly. It's gone as soon as it's there, but I catch it. He grits his teeth and nods at me. I assume he means to continue, so I do._

_"I always though you two were perfect for each other, but you're not. You were always so composed. Almost like a robot. Saying exactly what needed to be said, and that's not you. That can't be you."_

_He looks almost perplexed and I realize I'm rambling. I make no sense, but it's so true. Who he's been so far can't be who he is._

_"Those scars wouldn't be on the wrist of the perfect Jasper Whitlock that comes over for dinner and dazzles my parents."_

_"Those scars are from a long time ago. They never healed. I suppose some things never do."_

_"Tell me that you're one hundred percent happy with her. Tell me that she understands you, and she's amazing. Tell me she's your whole word. Tell me I'm wrong."_

_I'm shaking at this point. It's intense and I don't know what I'm doing. But I realize that I'm infatuated with Jasper. Ever since he showed me the scars I've caught small glimpses of the cracks in his shiny exterior.  
Sometimes I see him roll his eyes at some stupid comment Maria makes, and then he'll grit his teeth. This all happens in two seconds and then it's gone and he's smiling and looking at Maria like she hung the stars in the sky._

_"I can't."_

_His shoulders slump and his eyes calm down to the color of a clear sky. I don't know what possesses me but I throw myself at him. I kiss him, and I know it's wrong but it's so right._

_His mouth is on mine, and he's frozen for a second. But suddenly his hands are gripping at me like he's afraid I'll slip away._

_"I can't do this. There's a reason I'm with Maria."_

_And he's pushing me away with his words and with actions. I can still taste him on my lips and feel his warmth surrounding me. He's still so close even though he's terribly far._

_"Why?"_

_It's one word, but it hangs in the air. It's a weighty words the comes out with such heft._

_"Because it's safe. People like me when I'm Maria's boyfriend."_

_"People would like you regardless."_

_"No, no they wouldn't. Before I went out with Maria people ignored me at best. Those who didn't weren't very kind."_

_"So your with Maria to ride on her popularity?"_

_The words slice through the air and Jasper flinches._

_"No, I don't care about popularity. I'm with her to stop the whispers and the snickers. I'm with her to stop the hurt. I stopped a long time ago, three years ago. But sometimes when things get bad it's tempting. When I'm with Maria things don't get bad, because no one would dare speak badly of me while I'm at her side."_

_I nod, and turn. The long gypsy skirt I'm wearing swooshes dramatically as I walk away._

**AN: fun fact! Sometimes things kind of just write themselves. So, when I had written the first chapter of this I wrote a chapter that I'm not sure when it's gonna come in but it's pretty shocking. Care to take a guess what the shocking thing is gonna be? Review guys! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: So I've decided I'll answer the question you guys ask in the comments at the beginning of each chapter so here we go!**

**Atelophobia Answers:  
Does being with Maria giving him access to Alice also play a role in his dating Maria?  
No, Jasper didn't even know about Alice before he started dating Maria. I mean, obviously he knew Maria had a little sister named Alice because it's Forks and that would be common knowledge. However, Jasper had no interest in her beforehand.**

**Why tell her anything in the 1st place?  
If you're talking about showing her the cuts that was kind of an impulse thing. Jasper was pretty much calling her out on her bullshit. Telling her about the reason why he's dating Maria is sort of a "in for a penny, in for a pound thing". He's already told, well showed, Alice a worse secret so now revealing something else is basically nothing.**

**Chapter 4: Zelotypophobia**  
_Fear of jealousy_

A month after the kiss I had decided to dye my hair again, because I could no longer stand the color blue. Blue was the color of my hair when Jasper kissed me. Blue was the color of Jasper's eyes.

Jasper had ruined blue for me. So I dyed my hair pink, a color I detested, simply because anything was better than blue.

Jasper ruined a lot of things for me, really. Well, maybe it was my jealousy. But that was Jasper's fault too. My brain was like Wonderland and all roads led to Jasper.

When James Payne asked me out I couldn't say yes. His hair was blonde like Jasper's, and his eyes blue like Jasper's. He was also a senior like Jasper. He was both too much and too little like Jasper for me to ever be able to enjoy his company. I rejected him for one reason: he wasn't Jasper. Jasper ruined everything I had decided afterwards.

He also ruined my relationship with Maria. I mean, my barely there relationship wasn't that great to begin with. But how could I spend time with her when I wanted to do naughty things to her boyfriend? I couldn't. Not that I had spent time with her to begin with; regardless, it was Jasper's fault.

Every time I saw Jasper kissing Maria I would see red. I wondered if she kissed better than I did. If she felt better in his arms than I did. I deduced that, yes, she did. Otherwise he would be with me.

I detest jealousy almost as much as I detest the color pink and mirrors. Yet, I found myself consumed with it. I hated Jasper for it. Who did he think he was? How dare he make me feel this way? I didn't like the profound effect he had on me. This time I did the avoiding. I refused to let him kiss me again and then go running back to Maria.

So I decided I would make Jasper jealous as well. Or at least I would try. I ended up hurting someone, I'll admit. It wasn't Jasper though. No, it wasn't Jasper.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: kakorrhaphiaphobia**

I suppose I hurt a lot of people, well two, when I tried to hurt Jasper. Neither of these two people was Jasper. I hurt myself and I hurt Mike. I choose Mike, because James wasn't available anymore. Mike was both enough like Jasper and different enough from Jasper for me to enjoy his company slightly. I had meant to hurt Jasper. That had been my intention, a terrible one I'll admit. I had failed just as I had both feared and hoped I would, because I didn't want to hurt Jasper, not really.

So I pranced around the halls of Forks high with my magenta hair holding on to Mike's hand. I should have known that it would end badly. Everything done out of spite does. I was stupid and wrong; I can admit that now.

_"Mike, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."_

_And I am, I really am. But his eyes are ice, hardened and cold. I've never seen him look so distant. He's Mike he lives in a perpetual state of puppy dog like happiness. Up until now I've taken that for granted. Up until now I've taken advantage of that._

_"How long?"_

_I'm quiet, because I don't want to say forever. I don't want to tell him that I've wanted Jasper our entire relationship. I don't want to tell him our relationship stems from my desire for Jasper._

_"I'm so fucking sorry."_

_And I'm shaking, because yes I am fucking sorry. I'm sorry I ever started this stupid relationship out of spite. I'm sorry that I couldn't actually just have feelings for Mike._

_"How long, Alice?"_

_He's shaking and his teeth are clenched. I try to grab his hand to uncurl his fist, but he yanks away. I don't have the right to touch him, not anymore._

_"Before you."_

_He gasps and I don't have an appropriate response. There isn't anything left to say so he nods. Mike doesn't usually know when to count his losses, but apparently he's learned._

_I sit down slumped against the wall and I want to cry. I'm not quite sure for who. Maybe it's for me or for Mike or Jessica Stanley. Jessica Stanley who could have treated Mike right if I hadn't pranced in when I did. Mike whom I shattered, whose affections I stomped on. Me, who was fucked up enough without doing this to myself._

_Jasper walks in and sits down next to me. He's not saying anything and I can feel the anger building up._

_"This is all your fucking fault."_

_"Me?"_

_"Yes, you. I broke Mike's heart all because of you."_

_"I didn't do anything."_

_"Not that you realized. I hate the color blue now, because it's the color of your eyes and the color my hair was for that split second you wanted me. I see red every time I see you kissing my sister, and it's so fucked up. And every color in the rainbow is just another way you've fucked me up."_

_"I was happy for you when you started dating Mike."_

_"I know."_

And I did, because Jasper was the mature one. Jasper loved me, and I can realize that now. He taught me how to love, because he knew better than me what it was. It's being happy for the one you love as long as they're happy. It's being happy when they're in the arms of someone else as long as they're smiling. Love isn't about spite and jealousy and insecurity. I just hadn't realized that, not yet.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: I'm really really really sorry I've been MIA for so long. I've had this ready for like ever, but didn't feel motivated to post it at all. Regardless, it's her now. Enjoy!**

**Atelophobia Answers:  
I think I'm missing a piece of the story, how did Alice figure out that Jasper loves her? Romantic love or friend love?  
Okay, so the reason you think you're missing a part of the story is because you are and because it hasn't been written yet. So, you'll find that out all in good time, because this story is written in basically shorter stories while Alice is reflecting on the past. Also, romantic love, duh!**

**What happened with Mike that the relationship ended?  
Mike, basically, figured out Alice has feelings for Jasper. Which isn't hard, because Alice is kind of obvious about it. Good thing Maria is oblivious, at least as far as you (the reader) know.**

**Chapter 7: Apeirophobia**  
_Fear of infinity_

Some things are forever. I will always be my parents child, even after they're long gone and I'm long gone; things don't stop being real because the people involved in them are dead.

I will always, unfortunately, be Maria's younger sister; basically, my family will always be my family, because you can't choose your family.

I will always be Mary Alice Brandon. Even a legal name change can't change that, because identity doesn't account for legal circumstances. A piece of paper that says you're not you anymore can't really change who you are. A name change won't change who you are, or where you came from. Deep down you'll always be who you once were.

Then there are things that you're afraid will be forever. They may or may not be, but still the fear of infinity lingers.

I'm terrified of infinity; rather, I'm scared of certain things being infinite. Perhaps, I will perpetually be living in Maria's shadow. Maybe, I'll forever be dying my hair in an effort to create individuality. Worst of all, perhaps, I'll be throwing myself into hopeless relationships holding on to the slim chance that Jasper will notice me.

I've already thrown myself into countless, okay not really I can count pretty high, relationships in a fruitless attempt to... What? I'm not even sure anymore, to be honest. Am I trying to lure Jasper away from Maria? Maybe.

I can't tell you what my intentions are. I can say this though, I know what I want. I want an individual identity separate from Maria, and Jasper. Both are things I seem to have trouble attaining.

I suppose I'm selfish, because when you love someone you're supposed to want them to be happy; furthermore, it shouldn't matter if they're happy with you or someone else.

Jasper understood this, I suppose. He never said anything about my terrible relationships. He didn't say anything about Mike... Or Peter, Garett, Eric, James, or any of the others.

He's stronger than me, more mature too. He let me be happy, or at least he let me try. I was never really happy with any of them, because they weren't Jasper. I, however, was terrible about his relationship with Maria. My sister of all people, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm screwed up.

**AN: I hate to be one of those people, but the next chapter is written so when I post it is pretty much just based on what kind of response I get to this chapter. So, pretty please review! ^^**


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